The fact that transgender people exist shows a flaw in a grand design, but the flaw is not with the transgender folk. The flaw is within the binary system. We can’t just shove everything into two categories, and expect that there won’t be anomalies. The spectrum of human expression is too wide. The rigidity of biological sex equating to gender identity is unsustainable. We are more than sex organs. Our minds are expansive, and we demand more options to explore ourselves within ourselves without the limitation of binary rigidity. Some people cannot accept that the age of separation is coming to an end. To separate people so rigidly as men and women takes something away from our humanity. The age of humanism would encompass being human as a pool of experiences we can all share and learn from. We’ve looked at our differences for too long. We will never evolve as a species if we do not come together. There is a growing population of people who reject the gender binary, as well as a surfacing response from those who are so inclined to defend it with rigidity. Why? I have trouble understanding why someone would try to limit and oppress another’s expression, but then I realize that so much of human experience is rooted in fear. This is the number one root of the defense mechanism. They defend what they know, in fear that what they don’t know will spread and take over. They reject and devalue it because it’s easier and more comfortable for them to stick with what they know, no matter how limiting it may be. I know that one common fear is the destruction of the family unit, which has already been destructed by promiscuity. People just want things to be normal, and simple. When they see something out of the ordinary, they do not want to accept it. It does not fit into their worldview. But whether you accept it or not, people are people. We have the right to explore our consciousness in any way we choose, and we don’t have to fit into your worldview. We have the right to exist as we please, and our identification and expression shouldn’t trouble you. We are not a threat, and we are certainly not a plague. I heard someone refer to transgender people as a plague before, which was troubling to hear. Most of us just want to live our lives without being bothered, and I can speak for both sides of the spectrum on this one. Live and let live is a motto that more people could benefit from. We just want to be ourselves, and find that our biological disposition may not be an accurate representation of who we truly feel that we are. Human consciousness is so big that male and female may spill over into each other, and we may not feel that we fit into our bodies. We may feel that we do not want to be categorized, or that we need a new category entirely. We need to be who we are, even if the world is not entirely ready for us. We cannot hold it in any longer. It must spill over into the ether where we exist without form and can be our true selves.
Until I can rip my flesh off and choose a form that’s suitable, don’t call it freedom. Until I can grow teeth in the air, eat a country then vomit out its culture, don’t call it freedom. Until my mind can do exactly what it wants to do without relying on motor functions, don’t call it freedom.
Freedom of thought exists, but we’re in a place where our thoughts are controlled. The thoughts aren’t actually free to do what they want. They just stick to the matrix, like flies to flypaper. So how do we free our minds?
Imagine it, create it, do it, be it. It’s easy to say, but how easy is it to do? I often feel that my thoughts are not my own, that they have been somehow compromised. The interesting thing about my thoughts is that they often make the most sense to me when they are unexplainable. Something always gets lost in the translation.
There was so much more that I wanted to write about, but my mind shifts its focus and then I can’t seem to get it back. I also want to emulate certain styles that I began to write in so I can continue on a path with it, but inevitably it shifts gears and when I want to pick up writing again I have to go with whatever’s there as it busts and flows through.
So how can I have more control over what I’m writing? Perhaps as I master it, I’ll write a course. As of now, these are just stray thoughts which I won’t mistake for free. They are sticky and caught in a web, as I find a way to weave them into something that I want to do. These thoughts are not free, and neither are we. Admitting that is the first step towards understanding what true freedom really is and how to attain it.
This morning, I put on my eyepatch. I like to think of myself as an interdimensional data pirate, so this pulled me into the role while pulling all of my dualities into a singularity point. We live in a world of twos: black and white, dark and light, day and night, left and right, etc. Putting on my eyepatch was like a shot to the brain delivering the message that they are all one and ingraining it into a single focus.
I talked about male and female being positive and negative, and that the they can meet again at the zero point. The difference between the zero point and the singularity point is that the zero point is removed, while the singularity point is involved. The zero point is neither male nor female, positive nor negative. It’s like stepping out of the picture and looking at it from a removed point, not being a part of it. The singularity point is not removed from the picture; it is the part where it all comes together. In art, it would be more like a one-point linear perspective where the picture has a single vanishing point.
The singularity point and the zero point can also be likened to the alpha and omega of awareness. The one is the alpha and the zero is omega. In a world of duality, it can be challenging when one’s awareness is at this point but it can make one more aggressive and sure of themselves knowing that the here and now has to be enough. Instead of looking at all the separation, I’m looking at myself as a sort of melting point where everything meets. People like to categorize and compartmentalize our consciousness into separate pieces rather than letting it spill over and melt together into a single awareness.
I’m left with this task, but the more that I remind myself the more I become sure of myself and less hesitant. It’s a heightened sense of survival that comes with the singular awareness. I’m not looking at other people and putting myself into a separate category. I’m just looking at my direct experience through my one eye and thinking about what I can do to improve my direct experience. Of course you don’t have to wear an eyepatch to come to this conclusion, but for me it was symbolic and helped to shift my consciousness.
I sometimes feel that a song expresses myself better than I can, so well in fact that I sometimes feel it was written for me even if it’s usually taken in a different context.
One such example is the Linkin Park song, “Numb”.
The chorus goes: “I’ve become so numb, I can’t feel you there. Become so tired, so much more aware by becoming this; All I want to do is be more like me and be less like you”
and another lyric goes: “I don’t know what you’re expecting of me, put under the pressure of walking in your shoes”
To me, these lyrics are about a boy being trapped in a female body. I’m put under the pressure of walking in her shoes by living in this body, and I’vje become so tired and so much more aware in this experience. I become numb to the point where I can’t feel “her”, and I just want to be me.
I speak about “her” as if there is still an aspect that is female, consciously or biologically. There’s a part of me that wants to invite her to share this experience with me, so I don’t have to be alone. Yet I want to scrape this biology, and strip it of its constructs. I feel hormonally imbalanced in this body, like it’s harder to simply be. When I was on testosterone briefly, I felt that it stripped away a lot of the excess emotions from the estrogen but then I stopped and they built back up again.
I do believe that we are more than the hormones and chemicals in our bodies. They tell us how to act, and it’s such a trap. I know a lot of people on the opposite side of the spectrum feel trapped by testosterone, and feel that they could express themselves better with estrogen. It’s really a matter of preference. I just don’t feel right with all the estrogen, and I blame it for a lot of my difficulties. Sometimes I just want to feel nothing.
I just want to be without this biology and these hormones telling me who I am and how to act. I just want to put my consciousness into something new. I want to mechanically build myself. I’d rather be a Transformer. I have the codes to turn myself into the new Megatron or Maximus Prime. I just don’t know how to do it on a physical level. It’s all mental, but I need to push through my physical boundaries. My mind needs to be free.
I’m perpetually pissed off at the physical universe for compartmentaling my consciousness. It’s difficult to focus on anything with all of this anger. I want to channel it productively, but sometimes I just need to blow off steam. I know I don’t need to prove anything, even to myself. I still get this sense of conspiracy while the mental level is aligning itself with my physical experience.
4D is where the mathematical constructs go, and this is an overlay upon 3D reality. My experience is uncomfortable, and my alignment incorporates the uncomfortable scenario so I’m never really in true alignment in 4D. 5D and up is more of where it’s at. That is where my mind is free of its constraints, and able to create as it pleases.
I’m so sick of being trapped in physicality, and stuck on lower levels like emotional reactions to perceived set ups. Sometimes I just want to dissociate, and I don’t want to pursue writing because I hate the tone my writing takes on. It seems like I’m trying to cater to an audience that I don’t even want to attract. I don’t know why I’m doing that, but when I let it all go I write like this. Maybe I should just let it be. I just don’t want to let my emotions control my writing. I want to be honest, but I change so much.
My next topic will probably be on my fragmented consciousness. I’ll see how it comes out. I just needed to let this out in between, like a consciousness burp.
There’s a part of me that has always identified as male — whether it’s from a previous or simultaneous incarnation, an elevated mental state that my biology has not caught up with, and/or an interdimensional presence that’s always accompanied me throughout this lifetime. There is another part of me that comes from the female experience, and it doesn’t specifically identify as male nor does it identify as female. The interesting thing is that sometimes I think the male part of me wants me to embrace the female experience so that I can enjoy it whereas the part that comes from the female experience is more apt to reject identification altogether.
Sometimes coming from a male perspective, I see the female experience as something to be embraced but I’m always thinking of ways to improve it. I sometimes regret even beginning transition and think maybe I should have just tried to make myself into a hot chick so that I could enjoy the experience. On the other hand, I don’t want attention from the male population. I want it to be mine to enjoy alone. I didn’t go that route and I look more like a sixteen-year-old boy or an androgynous female. Some may find that attractive, but I try to avoid attention. Because of my dissatisfaction, this experience has not been so enjoyable. I tell the universe every day that I want a refund.
I think what perturbs me the most about being perceived as female is that it doesn’t level out. I’ve been perceived as male, and it’s a much different experience. It feels more relaxed, more chilled and levelled out. This is not the case when I’m perceived female, except in some circumstances where I can tell that gender is not really a factor and it feels the same. Sometimes I just want to be 100% androgynous, but then I deal with questions like, “Are you a boy or a girl?” Dare I say I have a dream that one day simply being human will be self-explanatory.
The thing is I don’t want to sound like a feminist or an activist. No offense, but I just don’t want to be lumped into those categories and dismissed before I even begin. I have my own voice, and offer a unique perspective. I’m sure a lot of guys have thought about what it would be like to be in a female body. How it is handled would be unique to the individual. Some may think it would be bliss, but then the reality of the experience may not live up to the expectations. There is a part of me that still thinks I should try and turn this into a blissful experience, while another part of me rejects it entirely.
I want to make the point to differentiate between experience and identity. Many people identify with their experience; they see it as who they are. However, I see who I am as something that can’t really be pinned down. Identity is temporary. This is only an experience. As I speak, my experience is dissociating my identity. My sense of self exceeds my current physical experience. My mind is capable of so much more, and so I find this experience to be rather limiting. I don’t think that our physicality should ever limit the capacity of our minds.
If I can create something in my mind, then I can be that something in my mind. It might seem like my physical reality limits my mind, but really my mind exceeds my physical reality. There is also the theory that everything is mind, and mind over matter, yada yada. I’ll get into that later.
The difference between sex is chromosomal. I’m not an expert at biology, so I won’t get into that process in detail. As far as I’m concerned, we all start out as potential but develop into male or female within a binary system. Many people like to focus on the differences between males and females, rather than what makes us alike as humans. It’s a developmental difference, but our consciousness still has the potential to develop in any way we like.
I don’t like to focus on the physiological differences, since I like to consider myself beyond that. I avoid focusing on it in general, but I’m trying to find a way to express an abstract concept within a rigid system. One way of looking at it is from the zero starting point, this is the original potential of life. From there, male is positive (+) and female is negative (-). So, if you put a male and a female together you’re back at zero. Then of course that zero develops into a positive or a negative again, so you never really end up at zero.
Androgyny could be a goal to get back to zero. Although I was born a negative, I can see myself at zero or even at one with the law of unity but I won’t get into that right now. I’m sort of looking at this from a detached perspective, as if I was viewing the world as a model. The equation always comes back to zero, which in many magick circles is known as the manifestation point. A zero-point perspective in art is a nonlinear scene with no parallel lines, often found in mountain scenes. I’ve also heard zero point referring to staying relaxed and centered no matter what is going on.
For me, being androgynous at the zero point ties in to the rest. I feel relaxed and whole and like I have an elevated and centered perspective, removed and present with my surroundings simultaneously. Looking at the model of humanity from a zero-point perspective, I notice that they have been divided into two categories. The process of sex is math in action. Never mind the sexual desires or the subsequent perversions.
Some people are concerned that with the rise of LGBT people, the family unit will be destroyed. The truth is that this has already been happening, but not because of LGBT people. Growing up, I was the only one in my group of friends who had parents that were together. Divorce has been so prominent in our culture, as has promiscuous sex and cheating. This is more of a threat to the family unit than LGBT people are.
People are individuals and I believe that we should maintain the right to live the way we want to and be treated as humans, first and foremost. No matter the deviations, the equation remains the same. Never mind who someone chooses to have sex with, or how someone individuals It’s not going to stop the species from reproducing. My idea is that whether we are born as or identify as a + or a -, we can all come back to zero and meet there or we can meet as one or at negative one where we can nurture our blueprints. It’s quite an ambition and humans can be tough to convince, but with such diversity in our culture I think it’s time to come together even if we divide again at least we’ll have a mathematical base we can agree upon.
Nice to meet you, I’m Delusional. But you can call me Del. I’ve been looking for a wormhole I can squeeze through, or maybe something with a little more crawl space. Now’s not really the time to get my life together, so I think I’ll listen to oldschool Cage instead and see what portals I can open in my mind.
WORM KING HERE TO TEACH YOU STRANGE THINGS
THEY SLAMMED ME ON MY CHEST TO EARTH WITH CLIPPED OFF WINGS
I can’t focus on writing. Whoa, wait a minute. How did I end up on Sesame Street? Smoking blunts with Walt Disney. I remote view with my tentacles, so I don’t need hands. This is the style that I’m bringing. I’m under the table grasping at my legs. Feet on the ground. Just give me a simple task to make a living. I don’t really want to pursue this. I’m alive dimensionally, but stuck in this. I shouldn’t have to explain my position. I am what I am, as my third eye pops out I nip/tuck the doubt.
Schizophrenia and the Superconscious Mind
In my experience, I’ve noticed that my schizophrenic symptoms link up with a phenomenon I like to call superconsciousness. It can be difficult to go from experience to explanation, but I will attempt to here.
One majour symptom is paranoia, and the feeling of everything being some sort of conspiracy. This symptom comes from noticing patterns of thought that seem to be explicitly linked, and the more I notice them the more they seem to repeat and make themselves apparent. However, when I examine them closely the patterns seem to break apart and become disconnected.
In the movie, “I Heart Huckabees” there are existential detectives who preach that everything is connected in a sort of existential blanket, and a rival author who states that everything is random and disconnected. The two main protagonists sort of teeter between the two viewpoints before reaching a conclusion that incorporates them both. That is sort of where I am at right now.
One viewpoint that I have is that everything is a sort of network. This can also be noticed in nature, from the patterns on leaves to colonies of ants and how they communicate. Communication is something that is still in development, and much communication may actually be done on an unconscious level like the way that our neurons send signals to different parts of our bodies. We are not conscious of the process, and there may be other types of communication going on that we are not directly conscious of. This may be happening on a subatomic level. If we are all part of an interconnected network, then communication could be an ongoing process in nature only some of it entering our direct conscious awareness.
Our subconscious mind contains a lot of information that does not register on a conscious level. One may make subconscious connections in their experience, but their conscious mind does not register it. What happens when the subconscious mind becomes superconscious? It begins to form a network that builds upon itself.
There is a popular saying that goes, “Where attention goes, energy flows.” I’ve noticed this to ring true. The more that I notice a specific pattern, the more it makes itself apparent. Sometimes people only notice patterns in their subconscious mind, but never become conscious of it. I became superconscious of the patterns I was noticing, and they would make themselves more and more apparent. I would point them out to others, but they would not be consciously aware of these patterns. I was in my own superconscious network where my thoughts, perceptions and feelings would appear to be linked up with my direct experience. I was in a completely different state of consciousness than those around me, but they were all unconsciously and subconsciously a part of my superconscious network.
This experience ranged from euphoric to detrimental, depending largely on which area of consciousness seemed to be in focus for me. There were both positive and negative patterns. There were times when the negative patterns got so bad, I felt that I was experiencing Hell. It’s not in a religious sense, but the idea of Hell being an unbearable experience of which I had no control over. It turned out to be a mental structure that I suppose my own mind had created, and one might call illusionary but the patterns were so precise that I tend to maintain that there’s something more to it. Again not in a religious sense, but in the sense that we somehow mentally create our own structures and patterns that externally materialize in our direct experience of reality.
Some say that we manifest our reality entirely. I’m not sure how much of it we have control over, and how direct it is. If there is a way that we can have more conscious control of our reality, I do believe that the key lies in making the unconscious and subconscious mind superconscious. It can be tricky and even dangerous, as some things we may not really be meant to be conscious of. It can also be confusing to be the only one who is superconscious. No one else notices the patterns and they don’t seem to really do anything other than produce an illusionary experience. If more people were to become superconscious, there might be more that could be done with it but as it is it is a lonely network of thought capacity that has not been tapped into enough to be actualized into anything substantial. It’s still in the experimental phase.
Noticing the patterns of course isn’t enough to actually change them. I’ve noticed that when I was in a mental structure that felt like Hell, my way out was in shifting the focus. Focus seems to be the only aspect that I can actually control. In changing the focus, I was able to notice different patterns. I was then able to tweak the way that I was consciously processing this information into my experience. The patterns would become more precise and relevant to my experience, as if my feedback was tweaking the way that the patterns presented themselves to my conscious mind.
Even if this is illusionary, it can still be a useful tool. I went from being in my own personal hell to having my own personal network of superconscious communication. Of course this involved taking information out of context and reformatting it to align with my subconscious and superconscious thought patterns. This is done automatically, like a computer. Some may consider the results of this process to be delusional. The step that is crucial to not skip over in this process is raw data analysis. Although context can be switched around, the raw data stream remains the same. This also goes with my idea that everything is data.