There’s a part of me that has always identified as male — whether it’s from a previous or simultaneous incarnation, an elevated mental state that my biology has not caught up with, and/or an interdimensional presence that’s always accompanied me throughout this lifetime. There is another part of me that comes from the female experience, and it doesn’t specifically identify as male nor does it identify as female. The interesting thing is that sometimes I think the male part of me wants me to embrace the female experience so that I can enjoy it whereas the part that comes from the female experience is more apt to reject identification altogether.
Sometimes coming from a male perspective, I see the female experience as something to be embraced but I’m always thinking of ways to improve it. I sometimes regret even beginning transition and think maybe I should have just tried to make myself into a hot chick so that I could enjoy the experience. On the other hand, I don’t want attention from the male population. I want it to be mine to enjoy alone. I didn’t go that route and I look more like a sixteen-year-old boy or an androgynous female. Some may find that attractive, but I try to avoid attention. Because of my dissatisfaction, this experience has not been so enjoyable. I tell the universe every day that I want a refund.
I think what perturbs me the most about being perceived as female is that it doesn’t level out. I’ve been perceived as male, and it’s a much different experience. It feels more relaxed, more chilled and levelled out. This is not the case when I’m perceived female, except in some circumstances where I can tell that gender is not really a factor and it feels the same. Sometimes I just want to be 100% androgynous, but then I deal with questions like, “Are you a boy or a girl?” Dare I say I have a dream that one day simply being human will be self-explanatory.
The thing is I don’t want to sound like a feminist or an activist. No offense, but I just don’t want to be lumped into those categories and dismissed before I even begin. I have my own voice, and offer a unique perspective. I’m sure a lot of guys have thought about what it would be like to be in a female body. How it is handled would be unique to the individual. Some may think it would be bliss, but then the reality of the experience may not live up to the expectations. There is a part of me that still thinks I should try and turn this into a blissful experience, while another part of me rejects it entirely.
I want to make the point to differentiate between experience and identity. Many people identify with their experience; they see it as who they are. However, I see who I am as something that can’t really be pinned down. Identity is temporary. This is only an experience. As I speak, my experience is dissociating my identity. My sense of self exceeds my current physical experience. My mind is capable of so much more, and so I find this experience to be rather limiting. I don’t think that our physicality should ever limit the capacity of our minds.
If I can create something in my mind, then I can be that something in my mind. It might seem like my physical reality limits my mind, but really my mind exceeds my physical reality. There is also the theory that everything is mind, and mind over matter, yada yada. I’ll get into that later.