Numb

I sometimes feel that a song expresses myself better than I can, so well in fact that I sometimes feel it was written for me even if it’s usually taken in a different context.

One such example is the Linkin Park song, “Numb”.

The chorus goes: “I’ve become so numb, I can’t feel you there. Become so tired, so much more aware by becoming this; All I want to do is be more like me and be less like you”

and another lyric goes: “I don’t know what you’re expecting of me, put under the pressure of walking in your shoes”

To me, these lyrics are about a boy being trapped in a female body.  I’m put under the pressure of walking in her shoes by living in this body, and I’vje become so tired and so much more aware in this experience.  I become numb to the point where I can’t feel “her”, and I just want to be me.

I speak about “her” as if there is still an aspect that is female, consciously or biologically.  There’s a part of me that wants to invite her to share this experience with me, so I don’t have to be alone.  Yet I want to scrape this biology, and strip it of its constructs.  I feel hormonally imbalanced in this body, like it’s harder to simply be.  When I was on testosterone briefly, I felt that it stripped away a lot of the excess emotions from the estrogen but then I stopped and they built back up again.

I do believe that we are more than the hormones and chemicals in our bodies.  They tell us how to act, and it’s such a trap.  I know a lot of people on the opposite side of the spectrum feel trapped by testosterone, and feel that they could express themselves better with estrogen. It’s really a matter of preference.  I just don’t feel right with all the estrogen, and I blame it for a lot of my difficulties. Sometimes I just want to feel nothing.

I just want to be without this biology and these hormones telling me who I am and how to act.  I just want to put my consciousness into something new.  I want to mechanically build myself.  I’d rather be a Transformer.  I have the codes to turn myself into the new Megatron or Maximus Prime.  I just don’t know how to do it on a physical level.  It’s all mental, but I need to push through my physical boundaries.  My mind needs to be free.

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