I sometimes feel that a song expresses myself better than I can, so well in fact that I sometimes feel it was written for me even if it’s usually taken in a different context.
One such example is the Linkin Park song, “Numb”.
The chorus goes: “I’ve become so numb, I can’t feel you there. Become so tired, so much more aware by becoming this; All I want to do is be more like me and be less like you”
and another lyric goes: “I don’t know what you’re expecting of me, put under the pressure of walking in your shoes”
To me, these lyrics are about a boy being trapped in a female body. I’m put under the pressure of walking in her shoes by living in this body, and I’vje become so tired and so much more aware in this experience. I become numb to the point where I can’t feel “her”, and I just want to be me.
I speak about “her” as if there is still an aspect that is female, consciously or biologically. There’s a part of me that wants to invite her to share this experience with me, so I don’t have to be alone. Yet I want to scrape this biology, and strip it of its constructs. I feel hormonally imbalanced in this body, like it’s harder to simply be. When I was on testosterone briefly, I felt that it stripped away a lot of the excess emotions from the estrogen but then I stopped and they built back up again.
I do believe that we are more than the hormones and chemicals in our bodies. They tell us how to act, and it’s such a trap. I know a lot of people on the opposite side of the spectrum feel trapped by testosterone, and feel that they could express themselves better with estrogen. It’s really a matter of preference. I just don’t feel right with all the estrogen, and I blame it for a lot of my difficulties. Sometimes I just want to feel nothing.
I just want to be without this biology and these hormones telling me who I am and how to act. I just want to put my consciousness into something new. I want to mechanically build myself. I’d rather be a Transformer. I have the codes to turn myself into the new Megatron or Maximus Prime. I just don’t know how to do it on a physical level. It’s all mental, but I need to push through my physical boundaries. My mind needs to be free.